How to Stop Taking Things Personally: Why Your Ego Is Lying to You

The Power of Silence: Why Staying Quiet Is the Strongest Response

When someone's behavior irritates you deeply, what do you do? You probably say a few words to their face. If someone is being extremely aggressive toward you and constantly venting their anger, you certainly will not just sit there. You will try to give an appropriate response. And if someone insults your parents or questions your lineage, there is nothing more to say — today is their day or yours?

It is natural. You have every right to protest against all the injustice and wrongdoing that happens to you. But the question is — for how long? If we spend an entire life giving blows and responding to blows, when will we actually do our work?

This is precisely where the wise find an ancient solution. And the name of that solution is silence.

What Really Happens When You Go Silent?

Silence holds a great power. If we can carry that power within us in life, we will be able to breathe a chest full of peace. We will be able to connect ourselves with the pulse of nature, its harmony, its rhythm.

In today's piece, we will try to understand the extraordinary dimensions of silence. We will seek answers to five questions. First, we will try to understand what exactly happens inside and outside of us when we are silent. You may learn how, by simply staying quiet, you can solve even the most complex problems of your life. We will try to understand why silence is the most important element in every religion and every spiritual practice. We will look for answers to how silence creates a connection between the mind and the soul. And finally, we will look at some techniques for using silence in our everyday lives.

So let us begin.

What Silence Actually Means

Generally, silence refers to a soundless reality — when you are quiet for some reason, that is called silence. But the problem is that even when a person's mouth is shut, the inside is not quiet. They keep thinking about various things. There is an ongoing chatter within the mind. So the correct definition is this: silence is an inner state of a human being where thoughts stop but consciousness awakens. It is a kind of energy that science calls the stillness of brain waves. Philosophy calls silence the language of the soul. And mystics say silence is the door to union.

The Four Stages of Silence

Anyway, let us now try to understand what happens inside and outside of us when we are silent. When we first become silent, in the first few minutes, some scattered thoughts keep coming into our minds. These thoughts generally have no significant meaning, and this is a normal process. But if you can stay silent for five to ten minutes, you will see that the connection between your mind and brain has started to strengthen. In medical science, this state is called the activation of the brain's Default Mode Network.

And if you can spend thirty minutes in silence, you will notice that your power of observation has increased. You may suddenly remember a task you were supposed to do but forgot. Or perhaps you made a promise to someone that you forgot — it suddenly comes back to you. Most people break their silence after this thirty minutes because they have just remembered something important they had not done. They learn it within those thirty minutes of silence. So immediately they break the silence and take out their smartphone.

Now if we take up the challenge and manage to stay silent for roughly an hour, we will find that we no longer enjoy the noise of populated places. We cannot quite take the sounds. In most cases, a little drowsiness or a dazed feeling sets in during this time. If you are somewhere that does not allow for sleep or drowsiness — like the office, a class, a seminar, or an important event — as an alternative, people pick a specific issue and dive deeply into thinking about it.

The interesting thing is that if we ever sit somewhere — at home, in a temple, a mosque, a church, a graveyard, or some secluded place — for about an hour, and if we practice this one hour of silence for at least forty days, we will find ourselves moving through roughly four stages.

Stage One: Reminiscence

In this first stage of silence, you will generally find yourself momentarily lost in old memories. During this time, you will think of many people you are no longer in contact with. You may remember some past accident that you had perhaps forgotten amid the busyness of life. Or some glorious achievement of yours — no matter how small — may surface in this silence, and you might smile absentmindedly thinking about it. Or an old painful memory may return, and a wave of longing may emerge from within you.

Stage Two: Fault

In the midst of practicing silence, you will inevitably come face to face with some people you dislike. They will come to your mind, and whether you want it or not, you will start thinking about them. Since you keep replaying the bitter experience you had with that person, new realizations will appear before you each time. And gradually you will begin to understand that the person you disliked was not entirely at fault. You had some mistakes too. If you had tried a little differently, the relationship could have remained good and this person would not have become someone you disliked. In this way, after spending some time, you may even feel that the fault was more yours than theirs.

Stage Three: Future Planning

As a human being, you have certain desires. Now, to fulfill those desires, what is needed first and foremost is a plan. In this third stage of silence, you will be able to understand which skill you need. Which work is most relevant for your career. What your work should look like in order to secure your family's financial safety and establish an important position for yourself in society — you can get an idea of all this in the third stage of silence.

Stage Four: Wisdom

The fourth stage of silence is called wisdom. It is considered a fundamental doorway of religion and spirituality. When you enter this stage, you will feel that most of what is happening in our real world in the name of religion is simply madness. You will understand that religion does not encourage violence — religion is a clean knowledge that fills a person's life with peace. In this fourth stage of silence, you will feel a deep tenderness toward all of creation in the world and toward a Creator. This moment can be called a momentous one.

At this time, your cool mind will tell you which work is most essential for your life and for your own good. You will be able to make many important decisions in life from this stage. That is why ancient sages and saints — and even in the modern era, those who are deeply conscious about self-control — strive to reach this fourth stage of silence.

When you continuously practice silence in this way, you will find that your level of creativity increases. Your plan of action for solving problems will become much sharper. As we keep practicing silence this seriously, we may not even realize that we have somehow become a mysterious figure in the outside world. We will see that various people around us are following us — though we do not know it. When they see that we speak very little and that abundance is coming into our lives in various ways, those very people in the outside world will speak to us carefully, consciously, with warmth and with respect. And if you practice silence, you will enjoy this entire experience tremendously.

How Silence Solves Life's Toughest Problems

Now let us try to understand how, through silence alone, we can solve the complex problems of our lives. Most of our life's problems are born from negative feelings. Meaning, after something happens to you, if you feel that you are being harmed, that you are falling behind, that an injustice has been done to you — a resentment builds within you. A frustration forms. And you start reacting. The moment you start reacting, the problem begins from there.

There is no fault of ours here. Because since childhood, we have grown up this way. We have been taught to believe that the solution to all our problems lies in words, in sentences, in speech. But the idea that you can turn the table by staying quiet, that you can brilliantly solve problems through silence — this does not occur to us.

Silence at Work

Suppose your skills are not being appreciated at the office. A junior somehow kept flattering your boss and shot straight up. You see that the salary, the promotion, the special recognition — all of it is going only to them, not to you. What will you do then?

From my experience I can tell you — if you start reacting at that point, it is only a matter of time before your career is ruined. Do not do this. What you should do is choose the path of silence. Why? Because first, this silence will calm you. It will bring your brain to a cool state. As a result, you will easily be able to understand what you need to do at this moment.

With a cool head, you might improve your interpersonal skills and search for a new job. And this is very possible — perhaps it will take a month, but a new job may come your way. While searching for this new job, simultaneously improve your performance at your current office — increase the quality of your work, try to work even better with deep focus. And do all of this while staying silent. When you are silently doing brilliant work at the office, your boss will get a jolt. 

Then when you finalize the new job and meet your boss, thank them and with deep humility hand over the resignation letter — your boss will get a second jolt. In most cases, what happens is that various offers will then be made to you. Perhaps they will talk about increasing your salary. They may offer you a promotion. You may even be offered a special incentive. And then you will decide — whether to stay at this office with these offers, or switch to the new job you have received. Meaning, silence created two options for you here.

Silence in Relationships

Or suppose things are not going well with someone you love. Arguments keep happening. You see that this wonderful beautiful relationship is slowly being destroyed. Make the decision to go silent. Become completely quiet. If you are innocent and yet your loved one keeps opening a basket of accusations at you, attacking you with sharp words, getting angry — even then, do not react. If you react even then, the relationship will become even more bitter. Believe me — no relationship has ever been repaired through screaming.

It is better to go quiet. Complete silence. Let the regret that they did not understand you stay inside your heart. No need to tell anyone. Suppress it, stay quiet. You will see that when you stop, your loved one — who is screaming — will also stop at some point. Because we know a one-sided argument is very exhausting. A person cannot argue alone for very long.

This — where you stopped and your loved one also stopped, and both of you are quiet — means that at that moment, your relationship is breathing. Slowly getting oxygen. Your relationship will, at some point, be repaired. And even if it is not repaired, at least a peaceful resolution will come.

Actually, there is a law of nature, you know? An innocent person is ultimately honored. So if you are honest and you stay silent, nature will take your responsibility upon its own shoulders. This is how you can solve many of the complex problems of your life by simply staying silent.

Why Every Religion Honors Silence

Now let us try to understand why silence is indispensable in every religion and every spiritual practice. To understand this part, we need to know three true stories.

The Story of Gautama Buddha

Once, Gautama Buddha was sitting with some of his students and disciples in a secluded spot in a forest. He was sharing wisdom about life, action, philosophy, and many things. At that very moment, an angry man arrived and attacked Gautama Buddha with sharp words. He was using terrible language. He said: you are a fraud. You are leading people down the wrong path. 

You know nothing. And so on and so forth. Gautama Buddha was listening and looking down at the ground. His disciples were astonished. What a strange man who came from nowhere and was saying whatever he liked to Gautama Buddha. Gautama Buddha said nothing. He stayed quiet. Why?

The angry man did not stop. He kept hurling insults. He kept saying very harsh things. Gautama Buddha remained silent. At some point, the angry man grew tired. Then he said to Gautama Buddha: I have been insulting you and scolding you so much — why are you quiet? Can you not speak? Gautama Buddha looked at him and said: If you give something to someone and they do not take it, whose does that thing remain? The man grew even angrier. 

You are Gautama Buddha — surely you know that if I give you something and you do not take it, it remains mine. Gautama Buddha said: Yes. All the insults you gave me just now — I did not take a single one. So they remain yours. In an instant, the angry man fell into a wordplay trap, went silent, and became a laughing matter to everyone.

The Story of Jesus

One day, Jesus was sitting with some of his companions, friends, and students, perhaps discussing something very important. At that moment, some religious leaders — called Pharisees — dragged a woman in and came to Jesus and said: Jesus, this woman is an adulteress. According to our scriptures, she is to be stoned to death. If you give permission, we can begin. Jesus said nothing. He was writing something on the ground. The religious leaders shouted louder: Jesus, why are you silent? This woman is an adulteress. Can you not hear? If you say so, we can stone her to death. Give us permission.

Jesus still said nothing. And his companions and students sitting before him quietly watched the situation unfold. What answer would Jesus give? If Jesus said yes, stone her — his sense of humanity would be questioned. And if Jesus said let her go — then the law would be broken. What answer would Jesus give? The religious leaders kept shouting. Jesus, you are taking time. You are staying silent. Speak. Tell us whether we can stone her to death. Our religion says that is what should be done.

After a long while, Jesus answered: Yes, you can stone her to death. But the condition is that the first stone must be thrown by the one who has never committed any sin in their life. In an instant, there was an uproar. Everyone started moving away from the woman. Because who would throw the stone? Every single one of them had committed at least one sin in their life. Meaning, there was no one left to throw a stone. Everyone moved away. Jesus saw that the people had stepped back. The woman stood alone. Jesus looked at the woman and said: I do not condemn you. But sin no more. Go.

The Story of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ

Once, the Prophet ﷺ was sitting in the Masjid al-Nabawi with some of his companions, and inevitably they were discussing some very important matters. At that moment, a Bedouin arrived — Bedouins, as we know, are ordinary people who live in the desert. He came and attacked the Prophet ﷺ with very harsh language. He said terrible things. The Prophet ﷺ looked at him, and then went quiet. Said nothing. The companions were astonished. Who was this Bedouin, speaking in such a horrifying manner to the Prophet ﷺ? The Bedouin did not let up — he kept using worse and worse language. He even desecrated the Masjid al-Nabawi. At some point, the companions could no longer bear it. They seized the man and brought him before the Prophet ﷺ.

The Prophet ﷺ had been looking downward all this while in silence. Then he looked at the Bedouin who had been seized, and looked at his companions. Then he said: Untie him. Let him go. And to the Bedouin he said: This is the house of Allah. The sanctity of this place should be preserved. The Bedouin had expected he might be killed right then — given how he had been seized, and keeping that in mind, he had attempted to insult the Prophet ﷺ. But that the Prophet ﷺ would forgive him so calmly — he had not imagined this at all. In an instant the man was filled with shame and said: By Allah, O Muhammad, I have never seen anyone as patient and as great as you.

What These Three Stories Teach Us

From these three stories, what do we understand? We understand that silence is a powerful response for suppressing anger and rage. We understand that where immediate reaction brings no solution, silence creates a creative solution. And that is why silence is encouraged in every religion. In Islam, for instance, staying silent is considered a part of prayer. Forty days of stillness — sitting in solitude and austerity to remember the Creator — is encouraged. In Islamic spirituality, especially in Sufism, stepping away from the noise of the world for some time and immersing oneself in remembrance of Allah in solitude is strongly encouraged. In Buddhism, a technique called Vipassana is used.

Vipassana and the Buddhist Practice of Silence

What is Vipassana? Vipassana is one of the most ancient and deepest methods of meditation. In this method, the first step is to sit comfortably in a secluded place. Then close your eyes and focus on your breathing. This is called Anapana. In Anapana, a person first closes their eyes and directs their full attention toward inhaling and exhaling. A meditating person pays close attention only to their breath. They observe very carefully how the breath exits through the nose and how the breath enters fully into the chest. In other words, they mindfully observe the exchange of breath. What does this do? It calms the mind and reduces the restlessness of the body.

The next step is scanning the body — meaning, with eyes closed, focusing separately on each part of the body. With eyes closed, observing how the eyes feel. How the hair on the head feels. How the hands feel. At this stage of meditation, gratitude is expressed toward the hands. Attention is given to whether there is any pain anywhere, whether there is any coolness anywhere. In other words, separate attention is given to each part of the body.

The third stage of this meditation is the realization of impermanence. At this time, you have to realize that everything in the world is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Your happiness, sadness, laughter, tears, love, affection, pain, joy — none of it is actually permanent. The moment you believe that nothing in the world is ever permanent, your attachments will begin to fade from within. You will believe that you yourself are not permanent either. You are alive today, gone tomorrow.

The final stage of meditation is called the Golden Silence or Noble Silence. At this time, speaking is completely forbidden. With eyes closed, only paying attention to the inner voice. Noticing the inner sound. Focusing on the heartbeat within. After doing these things for just thirty minutes, a feeling of freshness takes over.

In Hinduism, there is a belief in silent practice called Maunavrat. Practicing Maunavrat also has certain techniques — as usual, sitting with eyes closed in a secluded place and focusing on one's breath, slowly inhaling and taking double the time to exhale. In Hinduism, the moment between each inhale and exhale is called silence.

Two Types of Silence: Passive and Power

Now let us try to understand what we can do while immersed within ourselves in silence. It is worth noting here that silence is of two types. The first is Passive Silence and the other is Power Silence.

What is Passive Silence? If you are ever deeply frightened by something, or receive a great emotional blow from someone, or if you become very weak over something — a kind of silence comes from within on its own. You do not feel like talking to anyone. This situation that forces us into quietness is called Passive Silence.

And what is Power Silence? When we willingly apply silence as a technique out of a desire for self-control, that is called Power Silence.

What to Do During Silence: Three Practices

Whatever the reason for silence, the question is — when you and I are silent, what should we actually do? Here we can take some guidance from ancient spirituality. Such as taking a deep breath and focusing on the breath. Observing each inhalation and exhalation. You can sit somewhere, breathe deeply, and focus on your breath. Give deep attention to both breathing in and breathing out. It is said that between each inhale and exhale lies the door of the soul.

After following your breath for some time, the next step is to begin observing your thoughts. Not any specific thought — whatever thought is in your mind at that moment, focus on that. Focus on the thought that freely comes to your mind — the one you are not forcing, the one that arrives on its own. You will find it interesting. You will see that just as clouds come and go in the sky, and just as you breathe in and breathe out, various thoughts come into your mind and then leave. After practicing breathing and observing thoughts for some time in this way, you will find that you have entered a fairly deep level of silence. Now you should do three more things.

Self-Reflection

At this level of silence, ask yourself: who are you really? Why did you come into this world? Think about which activities you truly love doing. Among those activities, which ones can you do best? And among the ones you can do best, which ones can earn you money? And among those, which ones — if pursued — could make you legendary, meaning your service would continue to reach people even after your death, your name would not be erased but would survive for centuries? When you are immersed in this self-reflection, you will find the purpose of your life. You will understand that you did not come into this world for nothing. You have a responsibility. And it must be fulfilled. What is that responsibility? That is what this self-reflection is for.

Gratitude Practice

At this level of silence, awaken your sense of gratitude. On the surface, it may seem like there is a lot of failure in our lives. Who should we be grateful to? For what? But when you reach this level of silence, you will see that there is so much in your life to be grateful for. If there is even a minimum achievement in your life, be grateful for it. And if nothing else, the simple fact that you are able to breathe freely, that you are healthy — you should be grateful for that. 

Many people are in a far worse condition than us. Compared to them, we are at least somewhat better off. We can still breathe some of this nature's pure air. We should be grateful for these things too. At this level of silence, we will carry that grateful heart. We will embrace a thanksgiving mindset. If you believe in a Creator, express deep gratitude to the Creator. Surrender yourself. And if you do not believe in a Creator, at the very least be grateful to yourself. Thank yourself.

Meditation

The third and most important thing you must do is meditation. Many people think of meditation as something very complicated. They think it is the work of ascetics, requiring many kinds of preparations. That is not the case. Meditation is not at all complicated. You can meditate with your eyes closed or with your eyes open. A river, an ocean, a forest, or a mountain — some beautiful, pristine scene, or even a candle flame — you can gaze at it and sink into meditation. This silence, this meditation, will create a deep connection between your mind and your soul.

Small Daily Practices That Work Like Magic

Beyond these, there are some small practices that work like magic in life. For instance, every morning when we wake up, we will not go near our smartphone for at least thirty minutes. We may think that we just woke up and an important call could come — so let me check the phone right away to see if anyone called. But think — you could have woken up thirty minutes later. Who would have checked the phone then? So whenever we wake up in the morning, we will definitely stay away from our smartphone for at least thirty minutes. This act of keeping ourselves away from a device works as a digital detox.

After this, we can do five minutes of breathing practice any time of day, as many times as we like. The technique is completely simple. Breathe in deeply, and take double the time to breathe out. And after each inhalation, hold the breath inside for at least three seconds. When we inhale, we will feel that we are drawing in the purest air on earth and a chest full of peace. And when we exhale, we will feel that all the negative energy inside us is leaving — all the chaos of our life, all the failures, all the inadequacies — everything is going out with the breath. If we can do this feeling for five minutes, it will become a wonderful breathing practice.

Silence Is the Language of the Soul

Just as our mouth has a language, and our words have a language, our soul also has a language. Its name is silence. Our consciousness is actually a door. On one side of it is the mind, on the other side is the soul. What silence does is open that door. And so the mind and the soul meet in a strange and wonderful connection.

After reading this today, you can make a promise to yourself. For all the toxic people around us who have hurt us in various ways, who are trying to hurt us — we have only one response: silence. This silence will enrich you and will burn your adversary in remorse. And we believe this deeply: where words fall silent, silence itself becomes a rebellion.