(Dear Love) Why Real Connection Requires More Grit Than Glamour

Both of them wished to give a gift to the person they loved on the occasion of this festival. But where the financial struggle is so stark, where desire and means walk completely opposite paths, the thought of buying something for a loved one is nothing but a pipe dream — they both knew this. And yet, Della decided she would buy Jim a special gift. But the money she had was in no way enough to buy this gift. Della then did something strange. She had a head full of thick hair, which she loved dearly. To buy Jim's Christmas gift, she cut off her beloved hair and sold it, and with that money she bought a gift for Jim. The gift was a chain for Jim's most prized watch. Meanwhile, Jim had done something of his own. 

He too wanted to buy something for Della on Christmas. Needless to say, he too was facing a severe shortage of money. So to buy a gift for Della, he sold his only and very dear watch, which he had inherited. And with the money from selling it, Jim bought a hair comb. Jim's intention was that with this comb, Della would brush her beloved hair. When Jim came home with the gift, he found that Della had cut off her hair. Although surprised, he said nothing. He extended the gift he had bought toward Della. Meanwhile, Della also extended the gold chain she had bought toward Jim. And that is where a different kind of scene unfolds. Perhaps even the Creator, watching unseen, smiled softly at this sight.

What Is Love, Really?

Love is just one word, yet it effortlessly holds the entire universe within it. Let me ask you — what is love to you? Why do people love? How do they love? I know the question has become quite abstract. If one wished, it could perhaps be defined in a dry, textbook way: love is what stands when emotion and trust merge together, inextricably tied with affection, security, and compassion. 

But if we define love this way, it feels like so much is left unsaid. The full picture doesn't become clear. For instance, there's a famous quote from Lebanese-American writer Khalil Gibran: "One day you asked me what was more important to me — my life or you. I said my life. You walked away, but before you left, you didn't know — you were my life."

Love Beyond Definitions

Love is so abstract that somewhere it transcends all definitions and calculations. On this note, there is a historic incident. During the Long March in China, a revolutionary came to Mao and said, "We are doing the Long March, and over there two young people are sitting around falling in love. They need to be brought into line. Is it appropriate to have a romance during the time of revolution?" Mao then said: "Absolutely not — we are doing the Long March precisely so that they can love each other more freely. It is for this — so that people can love each other more deeply — that we have our revolution."

Love in Literature and Cinema

We see the representation of love in timeless books and films too. We witness the grim conclusion of Romeo and Juliet's devastating romance. We see the silent love story of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. We come face to face with Scarlett's strange and varied experiences in relationships in Gone with the Wind, just as we also see Rick's love and its aftermath in Casablanca. 

That love is a kind of magical reality is something gently addressed in Like Water for Chocolate. That love can grow without even meeting, through small things, we understand from The Lunchbox. That love needs no particular age, that the heart can lose its footing at any moment, that a house of cards can be thrown into disarray by an unexpected jolt — all of this we understand from watching Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County.

The Seven Types of Love in Greek Mythology

From all of this, one thing becomes very clear: love is complex. Love does not move in a straight, linear path. It does not follow the rules of equations either. That is why Greek mythology speaks of seven kinds of love. The love where physical attraction comes first, where the attraction is extremely intense even if it is only temporary — that love is called Eros. The love of friendship, where loyalty, trust, and mutual respect are strangely intertwined — that love is called Philia. 

When someone suddenly catches your eye on the road and flirtation begins, followed by a light infatuation that leads to a not-too-long love, what the modern age calls having a crush — that is called Ludus. The deep parental bond between children and parents — that love is called Storge. On the other hand, the intense desire and habit of loving another person without expecting anything in return — that is called Agape. 

The love that is like slowly cooked food, ripening gradually and emerging from its shell to express itself through its own qualities — that is called Pragma. And finally, Philautia — where the love revolves entirely around the individual themselves, which can also be defined as self-love or narcissism. From this classification in Greek mythology, you can surely understand how enormous a bundle this thing called love carries around.

Erich Fromm on Love

On the variety of love, the famous German social psychologist Erich Fromm had said that love is not just a relationship between one person and another — it is fundamentally a reflection of one's own character. And depending on one's character, one's circumstances, and even one's era, the atmosphere, definition, and nature of love changes. And that is completely natural. 

 On this note comes to mind the words of British writer C.S. Lewis, who had said that just as the weight of glory can be terrifying, so too can the weight of love be terrifying. The famous line by popular fiction writer Humayun Ahmed can also be recalled here: "There are many kinds of oppression in the world; the oppression of love is the most terrible."

Love Changes — But Doesn't Disappear

But this is also true: love is as complicated as it is, and even more complicated is the picture of love's transformation. If love disappears, that's a different matter. But when two people love each other, that love doesn't always stay in the same format. Just as the seasons change, so does love — and that too with regularity and contradiction. For instance, after being together for a long time out of love, any relationship faces a reality — and the name of that reality is monotony. 

Day after day, the same person, the same voice, the same face. Whatever was once new, whatever used to be something — all of that has become the past by then. The relationship sheds its glamour and becomes settled and still. What was a roller coaster ride at the beginning of a relationship gradually, with time, settles into a quiet meditation. In the person you love, the butterfly that used to dance in your chest with just one smile is now growing tired. The words spoken under sleepless skies are becoming fewer. What was once special — much of it now seems quite average. 

Does this mean that as time passes, love runs out? Does the pull lessen? Rabindranath Tagore speaks differently on this matter: "I have loved you in countless ways, loved you countless times. I have loved you across one life into the next, year after year, always." Tarashankar Bandyopadhyay, in his famous novel Kabi, had the wandering poet Nitai say: "The thirst of love was never quenched, it couldn't be fulfilled in this life — alas, why is this life so short in this world?" Love is such an immeasurable, boundless ocean. 

The main point is this: as time increases, love does not fade — rather, love's definition, face, and thinking change. Cinematic love looks beautiful only on the cinema screen. Real love is a little more careful, a little cooler, much deeper — and is blended together in the commitment to stay side by side. Everyday monotonous routine relationships may feel restless at times, doubts may even arise, but within the turns and bends of these ordinary times, extraordinary love announces its presence whenever it gets the chance.

Love That Faces Reality

Love that makes you face reality, that brings the search for something otherworldly even within life's small things — perhaps understanding this madness of love, the famous philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche had said: "There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness."

Is Love a Feeling or a Decision?

From here arises another question: Is love a feeling, or a decision, or both? We've all heard this line from the famous film The Perks of Being a Wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve." German psychiatrist and writer Erich Fromm, in his book The Art of Loving, had said: "Love is a decision, a judgment, a promise." American writer Jodi Picoult, in her book Change of Heart, made this a little clearer: "Love is not merely a feeling — it is a choice." Most people's opinion is that love should be effortless, should be exciting, should stay as sweet little quarrels on a blue sofa. 

All that is certainly there in every love story. But not always. Because love isn't just about drowning, waking, laughing, and floating together. Rather, love is like that famous line from Taslima Nasrin's novel Lajja, where the central character says with firmness: "Doctor Saheb, you shed two drops of tears for me — in return, I will weep for you lifetime after lifetime." Not tears — but this promise and assurance of staying beside someone — love appears in its truest form right here. 

The infatuation of a moment passes soon, but what doesn't pass — that is love. The one who stays beside, in happiness and sorrow alike — their love too stays beside like a shadow. That is perhaps why we hear in poet Suman's voice: "I was born before, died many times in your lap, I never found liberation, I came back again and again just to see you once more." We are pulled by this world, sometimes by the Ganga, sometimes by the Kopai, by the Kapotaksha.

Love and Endurance

When the loved one is in crisis, when the day has passed with reality checks, when life is taking tests — one must then become an oyster, silent and steady. That oyster which lies with a pearl inside its chest, weathering the storms and everything else. How solid is the love, how attached are two people to each other — the litmus test of all that lies on this hard, rocky road. What's happening in easy times happens anyway — but in turbulent times, who can be how safe for whom — love hides right there.

The Story of Richard and Mildred Loving

Now let's hear another story. At the center of the story are two people: Richard Loving, a white man, and Mildred Jeter, a Black woman. These two people, living in Virginia, came together through the twists of fate and eventually fell in love with each other. In 1958, they decided to get married. But that's where the trouble started, because according to Virginia state law, marriage between people of different races was still prohibited. 

 Richard and Mildred then decided they would go to Washington D.C. to get married, since such a marriage was legal there. And so they did — they went to Washington D.C. and got married. After that they returned to Virginia and began living together. The first few days were quite fine. But within a short time, word of their marriage reached the police. In the middle of one night, the police raided Richard and Mildred's home. They were physically assaulted and arrested. They were then brought before a court. The judge ruled: either they would leave Virginia for 25 years, or they would go to prison. It was a heartbreakingly unjust situation. And yet, to stay together, abandoning their home in Virginia and everything familiar to them, Richard and Mildred came to Washington D.C. 

Although they were living an uninterrupted life in Washington D.C., somewhere they couldn't find peace. They were missing Virginia intensely. They could sense that they were gradually losing, disappearing. Mildred then wrote a letter to the then Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy asking for help. Kennedy responded to that letter, referring them to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). Richard and Mildred did that too. According to the decision there, they filed a case. 

The case was named Loving v. Virginia. In view of this case, the United States Supreme Court issued a historic judgment. In that judgment, they clearly stated that Virginia's law regarding marriage between different races was against the United States Constitution. And after this ruling, such marriages were declared legal in all states of America. After this judgment, Richard and Mildred returned to Virginia, carefree and victorious. Their love and courage brought an entire continent's laws into one equation and proved precisely this: that love, being colorful, never distinguishes between black and white.

Love and Pain

Someone once said: "If you feel pain, know that you are alive." Someone else said: "If you love someone with a broken heart, you also have to take the risk of having your heart broken." And in this risk, the depth of love is proven. On this subject, Khalil Gibran had said: "Until the possibility of separation arises, love itself doesn't know how deep it is." 

A relationship that hasn't gone through ups and downs, a love where no ominous sign of breaking has come — that relationship is not normal at all. And a crisis arriving in a relationship doesn't mean love is diminishing and everything is falling apart — that narrative isn't true either. Rather, it depends on how the crisis moment is being dealt with, on that depends the longevity of the relationship.

Love in the Age of Social Media

All the books, films, and social media algorithms around us are constantly telling us that love is magical. On Instagram reels we see couple blogs, everyone is happy, everyone is living their cinematic life, living larger than life. But are they really? Is there not even a little sorrow if something is lost? There is. And in these times, those who are patiently managing everything — their love is surviving.

The Berlin Wall Love Story

On this note, let me tell another story. This is not exactly a story, but a true incident. The Cold War was still going on, and all around was a grim atmosphere. In the middle of this, on the two sides of the Berlin Wall, two people in love were trapped. They met once a week or perhaps once a month — these counted, chosen single or double days. Even after meeting, sometimes due to administrative interference, they had to move away from each other without speaking. Sometimes they had to endure the brutal blows of the forces. 

On both sides settled an ugly narrative of discomfort and regret. In the midst of all this, the couple decided they could no longer stay apart. Whatever happened, they would stay together. Dying little by little in this lack of communication made no sense. So the decision was to stay together. But the decision was made — now how would it be implemented? They made a strange plan. According to the plan, the boy built a hot air balloon. 

Then, evading the administration, he took flight in that balloon into the sky under the cover of night. At the very last moment, the administration noticed the rising balloon. They attacked the balloon and fired shots into the sky. But by luck, the boy survived. Crossing the border wall, he reached the very edge of West Berlin. There he met his beloved. After that, they left Germany. That this couple, for whom love made the impossible possible, went on to live a serene life — Hidden Life — is the example they became.

Misconceptions About Love

Among the misconceptions about relationships that are common around us, one of the most prevalent is that if the initial glamour of a relationship slowly starts to fade, it supposedly indicates that love is running out. But what no one says is that the initial glitter of love never lasts forever. In keeping with the laws of nature, the shine of love rises and falls, and alongside it, the intensity of love also changes proportionally. Familiarity with each other increases, friendship deepens. 

 You've surely all read Elizabeth Gilbert's famous book Eat Pray Love. There we had read that as a soulmate, we want whoever seems perfect to us. But a true soulmate is essentially a mirror, which confronts us with our mistakes and rights and helps us to correct ourselves. Life is not perfect at all. There are many flaws, there is inertia, there is complexity, there is depression and frustration. 

Those who deal with all this, who face all of it together and make their way through the variable of time — ultimately their love is what survives. At the beginning of a relationship, what was a raging fire — from there, walking on canvas, the relationship has reached the embers stage where the fire is low, but it is this that takes a relationship toward maturity.

John Gottman's Research

On this subject, psychologist John Gottman said in his research paper on long-lasting relationships: those who practice affection, care, and love in the small, everyday things — their love fundamentally transforms into a great tree and survives any crisis.

Love in the Modern Age

We have now come to such a time — there is so much complexity around us, and in fighting with all these complexities we are so tired, that we don't want to face any new complexity or difficult situation at all. We want to get past everything and reach a safe, certain place where the risks and troubles are few or almost none. In a world where everything from the grocery market to entertainment is available in a moment, there are perhaps very few people who patiently tackle the complexities of relationships. With so many options at your fingertips on dating apps' swipe, when a slight crack appears in a relationship, blaming the other party and walking out is perhaps now the easiest thing to do. 

 On exactly this subject, writer Alain de Botton, in his book The Course of Love, clearly stated: we are as skilled at romanticizing things at the beginning of a relationship as we are unskilled at understanding how to keep this relationship going for a long time. When a relationship is shedding the colorful wrapping of its early days, when love is making you face reality — at that point many people no longer want to deal with this reality and want to step back. Stepping away is also easy. 

Where many problems can be fixed by investing some time and patience — for that time, the vast majority of people no longer want to invest. But on the other side of the coin, it is equally true that those whose love is deep — those people stay beside each other in any situation. When a storm is rising in the sea, one can abandon the battered ship and leave. But the sailor who thinks about how to bring the ship to a safe area — in that thinking lies the beauty of a mental fortitude. Without that element, long-term love falls into an existential crisis.

Stories of Extraordinary Love

The person you love, without whose sight the whole world feels hollow — for that person, one can go to any distance. You are like that, aren't you? To make your loved one happy, to stay beside them in happiness and sorrow — you can do everything. And those who don't do this — there is much room for doubt as to whether they ever really loved.

Love on Mount Everest

Now another story. Yes, another story. A story of love between two people fighting death on Everest. The year is 1900. Among a group of British adventurers who came to Nepal on a mission to climb Mount Everest, a cheerful young woman named Elizabeth is found. She already has the experience of climbing several other mountains. Her intention is to complete this mission by climbing Mount Everest. The young Nepali boy who comes as a guide is quite brisk and lively — his name is Samar. After some initial preparations at base camp, the Himalayan expedition begins. 

Samar and Elizabeth, laughing and teasing each other, quite effortlessly climb Everest step by step. Before they know it, they reach the summit. But as is always the case, the main trouble starts on the way down. Natural disaster and the sudden emptying of an oxygen cylinder — Everest's two horrors — are encountered by both of them at the same time. Elizabeth was already tired from some previous expeditions. Upon encountering this disaster, she quickly gave up. But Samar didn't give up. Leaving Elizabeth and walking away would have been easy for Samar, but he didn't do that either. 

He held Elizabeth close and waited for help. One day. Two days. Seven days. On the eighth day, some adventurers arrived and saved Samar and Elizabeth in their near-death state. Coming down to the plains, Elizabeth recovered. After that, she never went back to her own country. She stayed back with Samar, until death. After that incident, many times Elizabeth asked: "You could have left me behind, you could have walked away — why didn't you?" In answer to this question, Samar would each time just smile softly without saying anything. Who knows what the meaning of that smile was.

What Makes Love Last

Psychologist Esther Perel, in her book Mating in Captivity, had written: long-term relationships require extra effort and intention. Any relationship is like a newborn child — beautiful but extremely vulnerable, which needs attention, which needs constant care, meaningful effort. Where there is depth, there is love, and that is where it survives in full glory. Otherwise, leaving is always an option. But on this subject, poet Shakti Chattopadhyay says in his poem: "I could go in any direction, I could walk away — but why should I go?"

What Each Person Owes the Other

Now from there, a question — to you. What are the mutual responsibilities of two people in a loving relationship? Who should put in how much effort to keep the relationship alive? The answer to this question must begin with: in any relationship, if someone wants unconditional love, they must also offer this love in return. If someone wants someone to be beside them in their bad times, then they too must do the same for the person on the other side. 

 There is little room for perfection in love. Rather, love is all about commitment and evolving together — that much must be ensured first. As in the film Good Will Hunting: "You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense — this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. The question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." And once this truth is accepted, if both put each other first, dealing with any crisis becomes much easier. Those who don't let go of their loved one's company when love is very difficult, when their very existence is in crisis — at such times, those who give everything they have, their love becomes immortal and survives. 

That is the straightforward equation. There is also a common notion about relationships: "There's no response coming from the other side, so why should I respond?" This mistake can in certain cases be lethal. If someone wants long-lasting love, they have to take the initiative first, give their maximum effort, express love, and show care. And it is said too — it isn't love to hold hands when two people understand each other. Rather, when two people cannot understand each other, when there is so much misunderstanding all around — even then, if they hold on and don't let go of hands, that is love. On this subject comes to mind this line from the film My Sister's Keeper: "It's not like you see someone perfect and then fall in love. It's more that you see that they are not perfect, and you love them anyway."

Love as a Safe Bond

Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, who has worked for many years on Emotionally Focused Therapy, said in her research paper: love fundamentally creates such a secure bond where partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable. This is the important thing. A relationship always moves through trial and error. Wherever there are flaws in the relationship, wherever solutions need to be brought — in this way, through love, such a safe space is created where even during times of crisis, the thread of the relationship survives. Love grows in safe security. 

Although it's a little difficult to love someone equally all the time — some variation does occur. That is why it is said: the litmus test of how much you love a person fundamentally depends on how you have treated that person in their turbulent times. When the time is not in your favor, when distrust, hesitation, and doubt are settling in — it is precisely then that the true face of love appears. 

 The person who retreats under pressure — that is not true love. True love measures nothing, has no demands, stays quietly beside you with patience, courage, and assurance. It doesn't think about any rules. That is why love is necessary — when the depth of a relationship is in the back seat, even then, as we heard in Before Midnight: "If you want true love, then this is it. This is real life. It's not perfect, but it's real."

Imperfect Love in the Real World

Those who accept the real shape of a relationship without being finicky about perfect love — they are the ones who ultimately survive. The Persian philosopher Rumi had said: "The wound is the place where the Light enters you." In the context of relationships, this line can perhaps be said this way: those who give each other deep shelter during the struggle and hardship of a relationship — their shelter transforms into love, and survives through all the variables of a lived life. 

 And in this way, moving forward, love continues to bloom. Through commitment it matures, through patience it becomes unyielding, and through understanding the other it becomes ever more beautiful. Famous writer Rafael Ortiz had written: "Love doesn't mean finding someone you can live with — love means finding someone you cannot live without."

Love in the Age of Distraction

We are citizens of such a time when everyone is running in many directions, running in the hope of easily getting everything. Here people have little time to stop, and there is no time to think at all. There is virtually no time to practice love, affection, and care. In such a time, when everyone is going hither and thither with restless feet — at that very time, love is seen becoming increasingly relevant. 

Love teaches patience, teaches how to wait, tells you to set aside yourself and pay attention to the person on the other side. It makes you realize that love is what still holds this world together, that the world is still so beautiful because love exists. That love is not some flashy packaged product — rather, this emotion that has still kept people in their orbits — it is to prove this again and again that all this effort. 

 How deep love is, how it makes everyone feel special, how it shows a world floating in the pupils of the eyes — love is such a journey in which there are all kinds of surprises at every bend of the road, there is also the opportunity to witness the transition from raging fire to smoldering embers. With all of this, in the tender and the fierce, love's search for the ocean within the drop — in this world where everything is temporary, where nothing else matters, love, as the lone exception, survives in this way, in many forms, through all compartments of time. 

 On this subject, Bob Dylan says: "Love is all, it drives the world. Love, and only love, cannot be denied." May the habit of love never fall away from us. May our loved ones stay beside us with love. Love the people around you, and stay beside them too.